Biting

You should not generally bite people (including me) unless you fall into one of the following categories, if you do or I find out that you do, there will be trouble ahead:

Teething children
Vampires
Werewolves
Brain sucking aliens
Small yappy dogs
Snakes

I do not date any of the above so in this relationship when I say no biting there will be no biting.

Penalty: One solid dumping, possibly with a silver bullet.

Snow White

***Press Release - Immediate release***

In the new BBC autumn line up Snow white and Sir Alan Sugar co-host "The Husband".

Snow White finally gets serious with her seven dwarfs. Each week the dwarfs will be set a series of household tasks in order to win the ultimate hand of the fair princess and an exclusive cottage in the forest with its own lucrative gold mine.

At the end of each week the remaining dwarfs will be taken into the stone flagged kitchen where one of the dwarfs is going to get dumped!

History

I was watching a documentary the other day when you came in, asking what I was watching. When I told you, you pompously exclaimed that you had nothing to learn from history, it is dull, dead, dry and boring. You even flounced from the room to “find something more interesting”.

One reason why history is important is that we can learn from our mistakes and prevent them happening in the future.

So dearest you have probably heard this in the past and you will certainly hear it in the future as you have nothing to learn from the mistakes you made in the past.

You are dumped!

Politics

Where as I like any other intelligent person enjoy a spirited debate about politics, there is a time and a place for such weighty matters. A coffee shop is the traditional home of political debate discussing current affairs of state (not the heart) over a steaming cup of cappuccino and a piece of cake.

The bedroom is off limits for political discourse, there are far more important things to do in bed, like sleep for example.

Politics in an unsuitable forum will from this day forward be considered a dumping offence.

Naivety

You might naively suggest that I do something that might constitute a dumping offence.

Such acts may with prejudice be an automatic dumping offence.

Hamlet

"To dump or not to dump..."

-Hamlet ponders whether this time his girlfriend has gone one step too far bringing Laura Ashley designs into his castle.

Celibacy

If you want to take a vow of celibacy, that is your choice. However, you may wish to consider that there is no way back if you make that your choice.

When you have been dumped celibacy is the only thing that will keep you warm at night.

Driver

When this relationship is moving forward do not stand forward of this point or distract the driver.

Penalty for non compliance: Fixed Penalty Dumping Notice

Caution

You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you later rely on in this relationship. Anything you do say may be given in evidence against you in any possible dumping offence.

Football

If I discovered that you thought football was the best thing since sliced bread I would give you the red card. I mean what is so exciting about watching a bunch of men chase a football around for 90 minutes or in the case of a world cup for 120 minutes plus penalties.

Beckham's right foot may be worth millions but in the end its just a foot.