Books

If you fold over a page in a book you are a philistine of the highest order. you are a despoiler of culture, a barbarian of pulp related products, a cad of the literary world, a bounder of chapter and verse and finally, just finally, you have read the last page of our relationship.

THE END

Christmas Tree

For the Christmas traditionalists among us the suggestion that you have decided to brighten up your flat at Christmas by investing in a small 2ft plastic tree may possibly be a dumping offence.

Setting aside your perfectly valid reasons that they don't need watering, can be reused next year and our just as appropriate. I would like to point out that they are ugly and despite your remonstrations my reasons trumps all of your small insignificant objections. Should you wish to pursue this matter there may be trouble ahead.

Marriage

Refusing to marry me when I could get cheaper car insurance, just does not make financial sense.

If I spend less on insurance I could spend more on you, ok maybe myself but anyway having more money is good.

Biting

You should not generally bite people (including me) unless you fall into one of the following categories, if you do or I find out that you do, there will be trouble ahead:

Teething children
Vampires
Werewolves
Brain sucking aliens
Small yappy dogs
Snakes

I do not date any of the above so in this relationship when I say no biting there will be no biting.

Penalty: One solid dumping, possibly with a silver bullet.

Snow White

***Press Release - Immediate release***

In the new BBC autumn line up Snow white and Sir Alan Sugar co-host "The Husband".

Snow White finally gets serious with her seven dwarfs. Each week the dwarfs will be set a series of household tasks in order to win the ultimate hand of the fair princess and an exclusive cottage in the forest with its own lucrative gold mine.

At the end of each week the remaining dwarfs will be taken into the stone flagged kitchen where one of the dwarfs is going to get dumped!

History

I was watching a documentary the other day when you came in, asking what I was watching. When I told you, you pompously exclaimed that you had nothing to learn from history, it is dull, dead, dry and boring. You even flounced from the room to “find something more interesting”.

One reason why history is important is that we can learn from our mistakes and prevent them happening in the future.

So dearest you have probably heard this in the past and you will certainly hear it in the future as you have nothing to learn from the mistakes you made in the past.

You are dumped!

Politics

Where as I like any other intelligent person enjoy a spirited debate about politics, there is a time and a place for such weighty matters. A coffee shop is the traditional home of political debate discussing current affairs of state (not the heart) over a steaming cup of cappuccino and a piece of cake.

The bedroom is off limits for political discourse, there are far more important things to do in bed, like sleep for example.

Politics in an unsuitable forum will from this day forward be considered a dumping offence.